A TLC Publication Volume 1, Issue 15 June 16, 1999

Rejected Summer Movie Concepts

"Liar, Liar II: Pants on Fire"

"Florist Gump"

"Indiana Jones & the Craftmatic Adjustable Bed of Doom"

"Honey, the Profits are Shrinking"

Oliver Stone proves the Internet is run by the Russian Mafia in "Amerika OnLine"

"Field of Dreams II: The Parking Garage"

"Weekend at Bernie's, Part III" -- Starring River Phoenix

There are three kinds of people in the world:

· those who makes things happen

· those who watch things happen

· and those who wonder "what the heck just happened?".

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotsa rain, lotsa cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.

An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" says buddy-bee.

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?"

"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.

Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!"

When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?"

Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."

 

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"

"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

This department requires no physical fitness program!

Everyone here gets enough exercise

· Jumping to conclusions!

· Going around in circles!

· Flying off the handle!

· Carrying things to far!

· Dodging responsibilities!

· and Pushing their luck!

"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."

Pick The Right Bank:

You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

Study Your History:

Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang.

Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down.

Speak To The Right Teller:

One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

Don't Sign Your Demand Note:

Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit.

And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

Go Easy On The Disguise:

One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

Take Right Turns Only:

Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

Be Aware Of The Time:

Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

Consider Another Line Of Work:

Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

Be Strong:

Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

"Ahm fixin ta do that"

"I'll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-up on ya!"

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his butt was catchin."

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."

She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart.

A friend and I were standing inside a building of a local theme park. We were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman (4'10", 90 lbs.) and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away.

My friend joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work.

The lady looked at my friend and lisped, "You mean, ... now I weigh me down to sweep?"