A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime.

After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news. Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little traveled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the heck have ya been??? You escaped over six hours ago."

Two men were walking through the woods when they found a large sinkhole. Wanting to see how deep it was, one of them threw a rock in the hole. When they did not hear it hit the bottom, the other threw a much bigger rock. When it didn't make a sound, the two searched for something larger.

After a few minutes they found a large log sticking out of a bush. They struggled with the log, and after much grunting and groaning, threw it in the hole. As they listened for the log to hit bottom, a goat came running out of the bushes. It ran straight past them and jumped into the hole. The men were terrified.

Minutes later a farmer appeared. He asked if they had seen his goat. They told him about the goat jumping in the hole, to which he replied, "It can't be my goat, mine was tied to a log."

"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"

Clones are people two.

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.(outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

6. All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length should have the words

"long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must have the words "long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

The next phase in the space program is sure to make headlines:

Scientists are planning to put 300 head of cattle into orbit. It'll be the herd shot round the world.

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

With little Nazis.

Biology grows on you.

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood. "What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman. She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car.

"Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.

"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!"

One day a lawyer tried to call one of his clients. When a little boy answered

Lawyer: Hello, can I talk you dad please?

Boy (Whisper): He's busy.

L: Well can I talk to your mom then?

B (Whisper): No, she's busy too.

L: Is there anybody else there I can talk to then?

B (whisper): The fire department.

L: Can I talk to one of them then?

B (whisper) : They're busy.

L: Who else is there then?

B (whisper): The police department.

L: Really? Can I talk to one of them?

B (whisper): No, they're busy too.

L: Let me get this straight. Your Mom & Dad are busy, the fire departments there, and they're busy. You also have the police department there, and they are all busy. What are they ALL doing?

B (whisper): Looking for me.

There was this bank where the employees went on strike leaving the bank officers to do the teller's tasks. While the strike was on, this customer called the bank, and asked if they were open. They told her they had two windows open.

Then she asked, "Can't I just come though the front door?"

A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. A farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case.

After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."

The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that durned cow came home this morning!"

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast, and everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However, one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.

"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.

"I know where he lives," came the reply, "and he wouldn't have made it."

Did you hear about the restaurant on Mars?

Great food, but no atmosphere!