A TLC Publication Volume 1, Issue 16 June 16, 1999

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Q: What would Joe Montana get if he killed three people?

A: The NFL record.

Three pieces of string are standing outside a bar. There is a sign that says "No strings served." The first string says, "Well, I'll get served, watch." So he walks into the bar. He saunters up to the bar and says,"I'll have a beer please." The bartender says,"We don't serve strings here. Get out!"

So the second string says, "Well, I'll get served watch." So he walks into the bar. He strolls up to the bar and says, "I'll have a beer please." The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here. Get out!"

Finally the thrid string says, "I'll get served." He messes up his hair, twists himself around and goes into the bar. He strolls up to the bar and says, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Say, aren't you a string?" He replies, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

There was a blonde that was driving a really cool car. Then a gang member came along and said, "Get out of the car, stand in that circle, and don't step out unless I tell you to!!" So she got out and stood in the circle, and watched the gang demolish her car. Every once in a while she would start laughing. After a while the gang leader asked, "Why do you keep on laughing?" She said, " I stepped out of the circle three times already, and you still haven't caught me!"

I once ordered a pizza with anchovies, and when it came there were 2 or 3 tiny pieces of anchovy on it. When I complained, the serving person said, "Well, most people don't like anchovy."

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk...

"Hello Doctor, could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate" the arm says.

The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

A college graduate applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."

There was this old-timer who loved golf, could still hit the ball but couldn't see where it went. One day the pro told him, "Charlie, I've got the right partner for you. Tom's about your age and he's got eyes like a hawk."

So the two old guys went out and on the first tee, Charlie hit a long drive.

He says to Tom, "Did you see where it went?"

Tom says, "Yes......but I forgot."

A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by a caller who wanted to know how much he charged for a house call. "Twenty-five dollars," muttered the sleepy physician.

"How much is an office visit?" demanded the caller.

"Fifteen dollars."

"Okay, Doc," said the caller. "I'll meet you in your office in fifteen minutes.

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "No Way!Dis budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me"

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "First der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"

"Why does Batman have to name everything he owns with the word 'bat"? He's got the Batcave, the Batmobile, The Batphone. Like when he gets out of the shower, does he step on the Batmat?"

JB's never come to your door

There's a new sect just for the New Agers. It's called JBs or "Jehovah's Bystanders." That's a Witness who doesn't want to get involved.

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the gate. After waiting about an hour, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant what had happened. "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," said the attendant. "It took us an hour to find another pilot!"

A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, says, "Now what are you mad about?"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

· That green tarp covering your pool? Look again, Sparky.

· Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.

· Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.

· Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.

· New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.

· Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels.

· "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.

· You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.

· Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at poolside.

· The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williams a run for his money.

One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard. He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth. Once inside the house, he complained of being

thirsty. The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk. After taking a big swig, the guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh ... you are most generous!"

She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk because we found a dead rat in it."

Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone floor.

The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink ... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's potty chair!"

These four Catholic crones were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle "Well...?" look, so she says "My son is 6'2"; he has broad, square shoulders; he's terribly handsome and dresses very well. Whenever he walks into a room, women say 'Oh, my God...'."

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up.

Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"

"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" said God.

"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

A confirmation student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order.

He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm

running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me...just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."

American tobacco giant R.J. Reynolds has done the unthinkable, releasing a report today admitting that cigarette smoke "doesn't smell that good." The American Cancer Society issued a terse response, claiming 'We give up, people are idiots.'

It's been almost fifty years since "I Love Lucy" debuted on CBS on October 15, 1951.

- Lucille Ball had starred in a similar show on radio, "My Favorite Husband."

- CBS executives initially thought that Desi Arnaz, Lucy's *real life* spouse, wouldn't be believable as her husband on the show.

- "I Love Lucy" was the first major network program filmed

before a live audience.

- Lucy was on the cover of the first issue of TV Guide.

One day a certain lady is driving on the highway, and she frequently checks her speed gauge to make sure she stays within the speed limit. But when she looks into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she sees a police car not far behind! And to make matters worse, the police car turned on the flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"

Presently, she pulls over and the police car pulls over to the side

right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly

rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, saying, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck!"

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked, " Is this pig?"

Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly, "Which end of the fork are you referring to?"

God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."

The angel says, "What are you going to do now?"

God says, "Call it a day."

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.