This is sent to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.

5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!

2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.

The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat."

The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric- only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Don't try this at home

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

There was an Aggie that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him "I've kidnapped you."

The Aggie wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground. Signed, An Aggie."

The Aggie then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Aggie checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath that pecan tree. The Aggie opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note. The note said, "How could one Aggie do this to another Aggie?!"

The great logician Betrand Russell once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1+1=1.

So one day, some smarty-pants asked him, "Ok. Prove that you're the Pope."

He thought for a while and proclaimed, "I am one. The Pope is one. Therefore, the Pope and I are one."

When IBM Canada Ltd. ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent defects.

The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."

During skydiving class the instructor would take time to answer any of our stupid First Timer Questions. One guy asked: "If our chute doesn't open... and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have 'til we hit the ground?"

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."

A bum asks a man for two dollars.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

Woman shopping for wallpaper to clerk: "Now we're getting somewhere. That's the exact opposite of what I'm looking for."

What is the last thing most rednecks say before dying?

Hey y'all, watch this!

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave -- with no penalties for missing a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks which "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion.

As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock ( as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete".

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1-hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

A woman called a health club and said that her husband had given her a present that she couldn't fit into. The receptionist gave her an appointment and added, "Don't worry, we'll have you in that dress in no time."

The woman began sobbing uncontrollably, and the receptionist asked what was wrong. Between sobs, the lady replied, "Well, for one thing, it's a Porsche and not a dress."

Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with

someone he's never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awestruck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, was quoted in "The Technique," Georgia Tech's newspaper, last November (after the computer worm hit the net):

"It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp, probably not someone here on campus."

From a defendant representing himself...

Defendant: "Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?"

Victim: "Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse."

Defendant: "Dang, I should have shot you while I had the chance!"