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A TLC Publication Volume 1, Issue 17 June 30, 1999 |
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A TLC Publication Volume 1, Issue 17 June 30, 1999 |
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An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office.
"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever.
"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head.
"Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's heck getting him to swallow the pill!"
A man bumps into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
When you stretch the truth, watch out for the snap back.
Maybe it starts when you realize rock concerts give you a headache.
Or that you're offering to cut up other people's food.
Or you catch yourself ending a discussion with, "Because I'm the Mother, that's why!"
You've reached a new level of motherhood. All the warning signs are there. You know you've crossed the threshold into advanced "Mommydom" when:
You count the sprinkles on each kid's
cupcake to make sure they're equal.
You want to take out a contract on the kid
who broke your son's favorite toy car
and made him cry.
You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
Your child throws up and you catch it.
Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.
You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
Your child insists that you read "Once Upon A Potty"
out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Terminal,
and you do it.
You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.
You can't bear the thought of your son's
first girlfriend.
You hate the thought of his wife even more.
You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.
You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.
You become a member of three aquariums because your kid loves sharks.
You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in
without looking back the second time.
You can't bear to give away baby clothes ... it's so final.
You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
You lose sleep.
You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."
You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Two ants were running across the top of a cracker box when one stopped and said, "Why are we running so fast?"
The other turned to him and replied, "Can't you read? It says "tear across the dotted line"."
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
A young man, on the way to visit his girlfriend in northern Michigan was caught speeding through one of the small towns just a few miles from his destination. The officer sauntered up to the car as the young man fished for his license and registration.
With the hint of a wry smile across his face, the officer placed both elbows on the window of the car so he could get real close and spoke in a deep voice, "Son, I've been waitin' all day for you."
"Sorry officer," the young driver said. "I got here just as fast as I could."
A furniture company sent this letter:
"Dear Mr Murphy,
What would your neighbors think if we had to send a van around to repossess your furniture because you have not met your payments?"
They received the reply
"Dear Sir
I have discussed the matter with my neighbors. They all think it would be a very mean thing to do."
A girl sitting at a crowded dance in Queensland, was pleased to see a handsome young man approaching her, "Are you going to dance?" he asked gallantly.
She coyly murmured, "Yes."
"Good," he said satisfied "Then I can have your chair."
"When I was your age," said the father to his son, "I only had sixpence a week pocket money,"
"You must have had a very mean father," said the son.
"I had a better father than you," said the father.
"Did you stamp the crate "THIS SIDE UP WITH CARE"?"
asked the boss.
"Indeed I did," was the reply, "and just to make sure, I put it on the bottom as well."
A husband and wife drove for miles in silence after a terrible argument in which neither would budge.
The husband pointed to a mule in a paddock.
"Relatives of yours?" he asked.
"Yes," she replied. "By marriage."
A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"
The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home,
I WON a motor home!"
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
"I Have A Bad Feeling About This..."
Apparently, a pastor friend of hers sent her a note. It seems that a member of his congregation was a trekkie and had used checks with various Star Trek scenes on them. When counting tithes and offerings each Sunday, the counting folks always got a kick out of seeing her Star Trek checks, which, while the
scenes varied, also had a Star Trek quote (of her choice, apparently) that never varied.
Well, the woman decided to switch to Star Wars. She picked the famous Han Solo quote: "I have a bad feeling about this..." to go on the various Star Wars scenes on the checks. All was well, as the counter folks enjoyed the new Star Wars checks for a while.
Then she decided to switch to Scenes from the Bible.
But she didn't like any of the available Bible quotations,
so she just left that part of the form she filled out for
the new checks blank.
The folks that print the checks saw the blank quote
thing and decided that she apparently wanted to
keep the same quote from Star Wars with her new
Scenes from the Bible checks.
So, the new checks had things like Moses parting the Red Sea, with the quote: "I have a bad feeling about this..."
And Moses going up the mountain to meet with God: "I have a bad feeling about this..."
And David facing Goliath: "I have a bad feeling
about this..."
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A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the
dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
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