When their train stopped briefly at a large station house in Canada, an American couple traveling cross-country by rail stepped onto the platform to stretch their legs.

Stopping in front of one of the locals lounging near a pile of baggage, the American asked, "What town is this?"

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," came the reply.

"Why don't you ask this next gentleman, dear?" the man's wife said. "Perhaps he speaks English."

There was this woman who was walking through the lobby of an office tower to go outside and smoke. She was carrying a butane lighter and it was leaking out on her sleeve, unknown to her. She was in a hurry to light up, and started to light her cigarette just before going outside because it was windy.

Suddenly, her sleeve caught fire, and she started to panic and was waving her arm wildly to put it out. The lobby security guard saw the emergency, ran over with a towel and quickly put the fire out before it actually caused damage to her arm, and the sleeve was only singed a bit.

The guard, noting that it is illegal to smoke in the building by city ordnance, had the woman arrested.

The charge was possession of an illegal fire-arm.

A devout Hindu is suing Taco Bell for allegedly serving him a beef burrito instead of the bean burrito he ordered. He said the forbidden meat caused nausea, loss of sleep and many doctors visits.

"In its defense, Taco Bell said the same thing would've happened if he'd gotten the bean burrito."

* What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

* Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confronted by a policeman. "Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman.

Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said "No, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer"

The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith".

The third said "My name is Ken...Tucky Fried Chicken"

Truth in Advertising

Back when Nixon was running for president I was driving on the highway. There were of course billboards lining the highway, one of which read, "one out of every three adults

has a mental disorder."

The very next billboard read, "Nixon's the one."

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help

but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police

and told them what happened.

The police asked him, "are either of them showing any lifesigns?"

The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'till i turned his head around the right way."

The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.

"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."

Three Fathers

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

One afternoon I was talking to a neighbor, she told me she went to her class reunion. I asked her how she enjoyed it and without pause, she said, "Well, they all got so old, they didn't recognize me!"

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but that evening he's half an hour late.

The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

"Okay, boss." Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella.

The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

"Baywatch" held a talent search, and contestants were asked

why they wanted to be a "Baywatch" babe. "The most popular answer was 'Duh.'"

Contrary to popular opinion, facts are not established by popular opinion.

Three astronauts, a Russian, an American and a Sardarji are arguing about who's the best.

The Russian: WE are the best. WE were the first in space.

The American: No, no, no. WE are the best. We were the first to put a man on the moon.

The Surd: No, no gentlemen. WE are the best. WE are planning to land in the Sun.

The other two: But... but... you can't do that. The Sun's too hot.

The Surd: But we thought of that too. We're going to do it at night.

The Boston Globe reports that the MBTA (local transit authority) "faces a 'year-2000' problem. That is when computers programmed only for dates in the 20th century may shut down or go bonkers because they will not recognize the shorthand '00' date as 2000."

It goes on to report that "the MBTA board directors approved a FIVE-YEAR program to fix the problem."

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again.

The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."

A man comes to a bar and yells: "QUICK!!!! Give me a glass of beer!!! Before IT gets started!!!"

The bartender goes: "What started?! What are you talking about?!"

"No questions. Just give me the beer, faster!!!" He drinks the beer and screams again: "One more, hurry up!!! Before it gets started!!!"

"What started?!" "Never mind!!! Give me my beer!!!" He drinks the second glass and continues: "Third glass!!! Faster!!! before it gets started!!! Do it!!!"

Finally, the bartender asks, "Hey, pal. Are you gonna pay?!" And the man goes: "Dang it! It's started..."

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of

their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady.

"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the

bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far

when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said

'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule

stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said,

'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule

stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said

'That's once.'"

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know. Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me.

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I"ll give

you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the

fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?