A TLC Publication Volume 1, Issue 18 July 7, 1999

King Solomon

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregates stood up and half remained sitting.

The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year-old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregates fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition!"

Q: How do men sort their laundry?

A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night

 

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. And when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

In the small town of Salisbury Mills, NY, the town founder, Harrison Winston, III passed away. Naturally, the whole town turned out, as did his family coming in from all over the globe.

This threw the Adams Mortuary into an uproar. They had to have some employees do two or three jobs and even switch jobs to get everything done.

One group of family members piled into one car. The procession was very long and not knowing their way, they decided to ask the driver how much further it would be.

The patriarch tapped the driver on the shoulder, and said, "Pardon me......"

The driver let out a scream, and turned with a grimace of horror to see who had tapped him. In doing so, he drove the car into the ditch and through a farmer's fence, almost overturning it.

After calming everyone down, the driver somberly explained,

"I am so sorry for what happened. You see, I am used to driving the hearse".

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work, Brittany was shocked to find her house had been ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Brittany ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"

Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.

Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Amanpreet heard a rumor that his father, grandfather. and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.

So, on his 21st birthday, Amanpreet and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.

When Amanpreet and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Amanpreet stepped off of the side of the boat, and dang near drowned.

Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.

When Amanpreet arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"

The feeble old grandmother took Amanpreet by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."

Why do our kids have to take the Iowa Test for Basic Skills? Why can't we have a West Virginia Test of Basic Skills with questions like, "Bubba's got three cars and he done traded for two more. How many cement blocks is Bubba gonna need?"

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver of the car took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was

dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

A: Eleven

Q: What is the total of Bo Derek and Phyllis Diller?

A: Trapper John

Q: What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?

A: Mr. Coffee.

Q: Name the father of Mrs. Olsen's illegitimate baby.

A: Touchback.

Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?

A: "Leave it to Beaver."

Q: What did the dead raccoon say in his will?

A: Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises.

Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock.

Three elderly gents were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first man.

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'" Turning to the third gent, he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age.'"

Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.

Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.

What happens if you touch these two wires tog.

We won't need reservations.

It's always sunny there this time of the year.

Don't worry, it's not loaded.

They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.

After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old fool dig. I had him buried upside down."

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.

At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"