The Yoko Club? Oh no.

The German philosophy club? I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club? Pardon me?

The Arafat club? Yessir.

The Alzheimer's club? Forget it.

The Ebert movie club? Roger.

The Groucho Marx club? You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club? Never. Never.

The quarterback club? I'll pass.

The Rhett Butler club? I don't give a damn.

The compulsive rhymers club? Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club? Si.

The anti-perspirant club? Sure.

The Procrastinator's Club? Maybe next week

The Self Esteem Builders? They wouldn't accept me anyway

The Agoraphobics Society? Only if they meet at my house

The Co-Dependence Club? Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group? God willing!

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

An eight year old girl is trying to check out a book entitled "Advice for Young Mothers" from the local library.

Librarian: Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?

Little girl: I collect moths.

Attorney to witness at a murder trial: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?"

Witness: "Where am I Cathy?"

Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"

Witness: "Because my name is Sally."

 

 

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."

"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot about You

I Would Have Wrote You a Letter, but I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

Oh, I've Got Hair Oil on My Ears and My Glasses Are Slipping Down, but Baby I Can See through You

She Made Toothpicks out of the Timber of My Heart

She's Got Freckles on Her, but She's Pretty

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going? -- Douglas Gauck

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four-year-old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a

comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a sign that read "Will work for food."

If he had only looked up, he would have noticed the Burger

King sign directly above him read "Now hiring."

Progress (n.): The process through which the Internet has evolved from smart people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of smart terminals.

The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

*Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

*If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

Mr. Richman has 3 daughters. Their names are Nobody, Somebody and Crazy. One day Nobody and Somebody are fighting over a false eyebrow.

Crazy went to the policeman and said, "Nobody and Somebody are fighting".

The policeman looked at her then he said "What are you talking about?"

Again she said, "Nobody and Somebody are fighting".

So the policeman said "What? Are you crazy?"

Then she replied "Yes but how did you know?"

When the last scene of Titanic faded to black and people began rushing for the exits, one patron shouted: "Quick! There are only enough cars in the parking lot for half of us!"

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle.

When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron, which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.

He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"

"Yes, I am," he replied.

St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"

The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

Q: Name something a blind person might use

A: A sword

Q: Name a song with moon in the title

A: Blue suede moon

Q: Name a bird with a long neck

A: Naomi Campbell

Q: Name an occupation where you would need a torch

A: A burglar

Q: Name a famous brother & sister

A: Bonnie & Clyde

Q: Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers

A: A horse

There was once a couple named Nancy and Mike Tate, and it was their life's dream to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate's Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to manufacture 750,000 compasses for the Boy Scouts.

Nancy and Mike worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline, and finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin. On the day of the Boy Scout Wilderness hike, each boy scout was given a Tate's Compass to help them find their way. Unfortunately, it was discovered a little too late that every single compass was made with the colored point of the needle facing the wrong way, so when one was facing North, the needle pointed to the South.

Needless to say, all of the boy scouts got lost and it was the biggest fiasco known in Boy Scout history. The Tate's compass company went out of business, but from this experience came the familiar adage, "He who has a Tate's is lost."

Q: Name something that floats in the bath

A: Water

Q: Something you wear on the beach

A: A deck chair

Q: Name something red

A: My cardigan

Q: Name a famous cowboy

A: Buck Rogers