A TLC Publication Volume 1, Issue 19 July 14, 1999

"All of this worrying about computers crashing in the year 2000! It doesn't concern me. I've got the advanced model. It's been crashing like clockwork since 1993."

In Michigan, a beer delivery truck overturned on the highway, spilling 2,000 cases onto the road. "Fortunately, hundreds of frogs hopped by and drank it up."

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?

Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

More Americans are staying put. "Out of the 42 million people who moved, almost 28 million remained in the same county, 8 million moved to a different county, and 6 million are still at the DMV."

A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds.

A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.

Her reply: "My computer keeps telling me I have mail".

Mr. Jules barely made a living at his ice cream shop. One day, while sweeping the sidewalk in front of his store, he found an abandoned brass lamp. He picked it up and dusted it off with his sleeve. As Mr. Jules rubbed the lamp, a cloud poured from its spout and materialized into a genie.

The genie said, "Master, I can make every wish of yours come true."

"Wow," Mr. Jules replied, "I've never had a vacation. Can you make me to go Florida?"

"Certainly," the genie answered. "And I will mind your store."

Greatly relieved, Mr. Jules beamed, "Make me go to Florida, genie!"

"Poof," the genie pronounced, "You are now in Florida." At that, Mr. Jules disappeared, and the genie went into the store to mind the counter.

Moments later, a customer came in, noticed Mr. Jules' absence and inquired: "Where's the owner?"

"In Florida, on vacation," the genie replied.

"Well, then, can you help me?" she asked.

"Yes, I can." The genie kindly responded, "What is your wish?"

"Make me a malt," the customer requested.

"As you wish," the genie replied, "Poof, you're a malt."

My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an

earthworm."

"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

The Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said."I'm not free. I'm four."

Interested in advertising in "Seems FUNNY to me!"? Then call TLC Publications in Hobbs at 505-392-0997

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger & faster & more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Last night a hole was blown in the wall of Police Headquarters.

Police are looking into it.

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won`t you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week`s lottery.

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

Get a Job

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications & said, 'We have an opening for people like you.'

'Oh, great,' the man said, 'What is it?'

'It's called the door!'

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.

I entered the Failure of the Year competition and came in last. They gave me the trophy and then took it away.

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof."

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog,

"There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "that would be silly."

Q: A number you have to memorize

A: 7

Q: Something you do before going to bed

A: Sleep

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Three sisters, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde, all decided to grow a garden one-year. The brunette planted tulip bulbs and several months later, had the most beautiful tulips in the neighborhood. The redhead choose to plant some onion bulbs and she grew so many onions, she had to give some of them away.

Now, the blonde, she planted light bulbs....

* For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

* Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.