....Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California . . . WAS HIS

.... Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills . . . Making the last car payment.

.... The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.

.... If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.

... Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

.... If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.

.... Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.

.... My son told his teacher the Indians could not possibly have served popcorn to the Pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving because they didn't have microwave ovens back then.

Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"

Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair."

Friend: "But your husband is still alive."

Woman: "Yes, but his hair is gone."

Stacey: "My dog ran away."

Jeannie: "Have you placed an ad in the newspaper?"

Stacey: "Duh! "Why Would I do that for?"

"My dog doesn't know how to read!"

A man goes to his therapist to have a dream interpreted. He tells the doctor that he was dreaming of eating a big meal. A seven course meal. He started with the soup and was going to move on to the salad next. As he finished his soup and put his spoon down the bowl refilled itself by magic. He again finished the soup and again the bowl refilled itself. Every time he finished the soup and tried to move on to the salad he could not. He asked his doctor what the hidden meaning was.

The doctor's reply, "It only proves that ... you can't change courses in the middle of a dream.

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence.

"Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As

his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on

the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas

which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as

the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the

tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't

eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."

"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are the English.

One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"

The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."

"Why do you wear that leather vest?"

"It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables."

"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"

"They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus."

"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?"

"That's so somebody won't think I'm a dang truck driver."

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers"

A damaged painting by Leonardo da Vinci has been restored.

"Upon hearing this, a teenage girl said, 'Like, I totally didn't know Leonardo DiCaprio's brother was a painter. That family is sooo talented.' "

The CBS network announced plans to begin a series of cost-saving cutbacks. "In fact, it's the lead story on this Sunday's edition of '54 Minutes.'"

High school seniors improved their SAT math scores again slightly this year, but they didn't do any better than last year on the verbal section. "Asked to comment, one student said, 'I can add numbers up goodly.' "

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"

"Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

Did you hear about the disaster at a major U.S. University? The scientists were cloning monkeys and one of them blew up. The scientist are trying to determine what went wrong by sifting through the Reeses pieces.

After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live. He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

After standing for some time, the doctor asked "What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing. Just stand there."

A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?" "Nothing. Just stand there."

As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked "Why are we standing here?"

"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

Did you hear about the Veterinarian and the Taxidermist who combined their business? Their slogan: "Either way you get your pet back."

Scene: A fish bowl

Dramatis Personae: Two goldfishes

Dialogue:

"Is there God?"

"Of course there is. Who else changes the water and drops food from the sky?"

A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for eardrops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

On a recent evening a family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, they noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments. Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia...

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?