"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

* * *

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the
slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain ?" said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service !"

A reporter walked up to a group of four guys on the street. There was a Saudi Arabian, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. He asked them "Excuse me, what's your opinion of the meat shortage?"

The Saudi replied "what's a shortage?"

The Russian asked, "what is meat?"

The North Korean said, "what is an opinion?"

And the New Yorker says: "what's excuse me?"

Year 2000 Thinking

It's just like programmers to shorten "the year 2000 problem" to "Y2K". 

That's exactly the kind of thinking that created this situation in the first place.

Rumor has it that the American Kennel Club's latest newsletter reports the development of a new breed of dog, half pit bull and half collie. After it rips your arm off, it runs for help.

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch. As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce the name of this place?" The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"

What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
No one cries when you cut an accordion in half.