A TLC Publication Volume 1, Issue 6 April 14, 1999

When the government gets finished reforming health care you might as well stay home and operate on yourself.... So, I thought you'd better learn some medical terminology.

BARIUM - What you do when the patient dies.

URINE - The opposite of "You're out!"

CAUTERIZE - Made eye contact with her.

DILATE - To live a long time.

ENEMA - Opposite of friend.

NODE - Was aware of.

WHITE COUNT - The number of Caucasians.

HERNIA - Pertaining to a female's knee.

FIBRILLATE - To tell a small lie.

D&C - Where Washington is.

BUNION - Paul's surname.

PARADOX - Two doctors.

CORONARY - Domesticated Yellow Bird.

CONSTIPATION - Endangered feces.

HUMERUS - To tell us what we want to hear.

INTESTINE - Currently taking an exam.

OUTPATIENT - A person who has fainted.

PAP SMEAR - To slander you father.

PELVIS - The evil twin of Elvis.

SEIZURE - Roman emperor.

CAT SCAN - When the Secret Service looks for Socks.

“Grandmother of eight makes hole in one”

“Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing”

“Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers”

“House passes gas tax onto senate”

“Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan”

There was a little boy sitting on the curb one day. The little tyke had a bottle half full of acid. It seems he was droppin' those big, black ants into it every time he caught one. It made a small puff of smoke shortly after hitting the acid.

An old priest came along and was watching the kid drop those ants into oblivion. Apparently he thought this would be a good time to teach the little squirt the value of life.

The priest said to the the kid, "What do you have there son?"

"Oh, I got some magic water, Father, the boy innocently replied. "See," and *poof* went another ant.

"In my church," says the priest, "we have some magic water too."

"Oh Yeah," says the kid, "can it turn ants into water, too?"

"No," says the priest, "but I rubbed it on a lady's stomach and she passed a baby."

"Big deal!" says the kid. "I squirted some of this under my cat's tail the other day, and he passed a motorcycle!"