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When frogs die, do they croak?
Diet Shakespeare - tubby or not tubby?
"I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say." - Calvin Coolidge
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end.
Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
ITEM: Researchers said Wednesday that birds sleep with one eye open and half of their brain awake.
Commentary: The only other living thing known to do this is the Government Employee in its natural daytime habitat.
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
Walter, who is quite elderly is resting peacefully on the front porch of a nursing home in the country, when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He watches a farmer approaching in his wagon.
"Where you headed?" asks Walter.
"Town."
"What do you have in the wagon?" Walter continued.
"Manure."
"Manure, eh? What do you do with it?"
"I spread it over my strawberries," the farmer says matter-of-factly.
"Well," says Walter, "you should come over here for lunch someday. I make a terrific strawberry desert. But we use whipped cream."
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